Katherine:
SPIN:
First of all, loved Zoom when I was little! I always thought somebody would just walk by and put me on that show. Perfectly-made-for-each-other salesmen? Yes! Come watch the Office in the Quad if you ever get the chance!
" My introverted personality had always made it difficult for me to interact with lots of people or enjoy normal, everyday life like most people did."
Being introverted always made it difficult for me to interact with lots of people. (I'm not sure you need the last part.)
· Unity, Coherence and Flow: 6
o I really like how you throw humor into your paper. It makes it really interesting to read and ties together your thoughts really well.
o I really like how you connected your passion for television into something bigger. I was debating whether it was a good thing that I was unsure how you were going to do that until you talked about Lost, but ultimately I think it made your argument more valuable.
· Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 6
o This was kind of a confusing phrase, that television was " not suitable for the role of my passion I had made it into."
o Your paper directly took me from thought to thought, and they flowed together as well.
o You convinced me that television could be more profound than I thought it was, so your paper worked for me!
· Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5
o Pictures of you when you were little? Or of little kids pretending?
o The script picture was put in a little too soon. It kind of gave away what you were going to talk about next.
· Proofreading: 5
o Do you mean a judge from Connecticut and not Connected?
o Also do you mean "what had happened" to Amy? I was confused about whether you had started at the beginning of the series.
o Instead of "religion on television," in television?
· Documentation: 7
o Looked good to me!
· Punctuation: 5
o The punctuation's a bit off in this phrase: " visions faded away, replaced by nothing, it seemed." I don't think you need the commas around replaced by nothing. Maybe you could set it off by a dash?
o Along the same line, you use a lot of commas in the beginning sentences of that paragraph. I like each sentence individually, but together it becomes kind of hard to keep track.
· Word Choice: 6
o When you say you were imitating the princess from "the animated movie," I feel like you should just say what the movie was. I was wondering until you mentioned it later.
o When you say you live in "a world of fiction," do you mean a particular world or the world of fiction? I know that's picky, but it kind of threw me.
o When you say " thus fulfilling my obsession with becoming the great Octopus villain of the movie - Ursula," it's a little more formal than the rest of your sentence.
o I would cut "typical" in your sentence about Jim and Pam.
· Conciseness: 4
o I feel like this sentence is somewhat redundant: " My dad claims that, to this day, he can still remember the first time I discovered how to 'make believe.'"
o I think this could be shortened or expressed another way: " I was so irrationally upset that I couldn't even explain to myself or others why the cancellation affected me so much."
· I don't know that you need the title of your research paper. You could just say the topic.
Chris:
First of all I am also obsessed with Lost. We can have a San Jac watch party in February!
I was more comfortable imagining myself living the lives of the characters on the TV screen than I was in living my own life, just like I was more comfortable floating around my backyard pool pretending to be Ariel the mermaid than I was jumping off the diving board with my friends as a little girl.
I would either exclude the anecdote, change its position as a hanging modifier or split it into two sentences. Perhaps you could write it like this: "I was more comfortable living in my imagination as a mermaid than I was actually swimming with my childhood friends."
1. Unity: 5
I saw some minor breaks in unity between your fourth, fifth and sixth paragraphs.
I saw good connections between imagination and television, but the connection between television and society is only briefly mentioned in the last two paragraphs.
2. Organization: 5
Try splitting the paragraph about LOST into at least two or three paragraphs. Maybe at this sentence:
"as insane as it sounds, it took watching a show like LOST to get me to live my life - and enjoy it."
3. Verbal/Visual Rhetoric: 6
I really enjoyed the LOST video clip (obviously) but a few more pictures could make the blog even better.
4. Proofreading: 6
"Connecticut or Connect"? Or perhaps connect is another television show?
This needs to be in quotes? Besides, I told myself, I was far too old to do the whole imagination thing anymore.
5. Documentation: 6
I think we may need CMS documentation on the pictures and videos too.
6. Punctuation: 6
I really like your use of commas and dashes, not overdone in my opinion.
Also I liked this sentence:
And so it began: my love affair with "make believe".
7. Word Choice: 6
I know this makes sense in context when you your mother says you are "not a liver." It did sound funny to me though. Oddly enough, I thought of an animal liver.
"escapist fare"<== nice!
Maybe you could add a metaphor or an anecdote to explain how television can benefit others.
8. Conciseness 5
A little repetitive here: "too busy, too eventful"
While I appreciated many parts of your stories about your childhood like Ursula and the eels. Don't let details create overly complicated sentences. You could use that time near the end and talk more about television and society.
Alex:
UNITY, COHERENCE, AND FLOW: 5
Overall, I think the essay flows very well. Main points of the paragraphs are easy to find. I did not know the main argument of the essay until later in the essay, but I think that was on purpose. The transition from passion for make-belief to television is very well done.
Some grammatical errors and typos interrupted the flow, but that could be fixed by proofreading.
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 6
It was organized in a very logical manner, and I could follow it perfectly.
Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 6
Good use of multimedia. I think it adds onto your essay very well.
Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar errors: 4
I found some proofreading errors.
“A story about three generations of women living together, the program portrayed the life of a Juvenile Judge from Connected who, as the series progressed, eventually became a highly respected candidate for the US Senate.” <= Connected: Connecticut (?)
“LOST taught me by example to “think about my life story and its recurring themes, [to consider….] the events in [my] life that have inspired [my] passion,” as Robert J. lee writes.” <= just capitalize Lee.
Watching, enjoying, and living TV is truly my passion, one that I hope to use my own experiences and struggles with to create the type of quality Television that will inspire others as it did me. <= shouldn’t it be “Watching, enjoying, and living TV ARE…”? It just looked odd.
Just minor things like these.
Documentation: 7
Don’t you have to tag your own picture too? I thought he said we had to say something like “author’s own picture,” or something along that line.
Punctuation: 4
There were some confusing parts. I had to read it over to understand it. I think some sentences could be rephrased to improve the flow.
“My dad claims that, to this day, he can still remember the first time I discovered how to “make believe.”” <= Doesn’t flow so well.
There are other places that have similar flow “issues.”
Word Choice: 4
I love your word choice, but I don’t think Professor Bump would give anything above a 4 since you can always improve your diction.
Conciseness: 4
The essay is fairly concise, but there are some sentences that can be taken out.
“A story about three generations of women living together, the program portrayed the life of a Juvenile Judge from Connected who, as the series progressed, eventually became a highly respected candidate for the US Senate.” <= “as the series progressed, eventually” seems a bit redundant.
“Television, as I have written before in a discussion board, aims to challenge…” <= I think “Television aims to challenge…” is suffice
Helen:
"So, as when I was in middle school, I shut myself off to the thing that made me feel the happiest."
"Just as I did in middle school, I shut myself off to what made me the happiest." I changed this because I thought that "as when I was" sounded a bit awkward.
I love that you love Lost! Before January, we should recap together! I cannot wait to see what happens next! Anyways, I think that it's so great that you are so passionate about television. Television plays such a major role in our day-to-day lives; shows can inspire people and provide new perspectives on life. I think that you can definitely stress more on how your passion can affect and improve the lives of others!
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow-4
a. I stumbled on just a few minor things.
b. For example, "My dad claims that, to this day, he can still remember the first time I discovered how to 'make believe'" was a little hard to read. Maybe move "to this day" to the front and omit "still."
c. Also, you could probably change the "a" to "the" just to make it sound better in " Since that moment, I have lived in two worlds: the world of reality and a world of fiction."
d. Maybe separate "Our thoughts are always happening," writes Ram Dass and Paul Gorman in How Can I Help, "They arise in the form of sensations, feelings, memories, anticipations, and speculations" into two sentences?
e. When you talk about having Flotsam and Jetsam, maybe omit "instead of asking for flowers or unicorns." You're proving that you had an avid imagination as a child, but unicorns are imaginative creatures too?
f. You could also separate the sentence discussing the incident in Pre-K involving the fire drill and make it easier to read.
g. I was a little confused about "the program portrayed the life of a Juvenile Judge from Connected" because I didn't know what "Connected" was.
h. Perhaps in "was different than anything anyone had ever seen on television before" you can relate it to yourself rather than others and explain why you thought it was so revolutionary.
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose-5
a. I think that the organization of your paper works because you begin with an anecdote of your childhood and how your passion for television first began. From there, you talk about the role of television at each stage in your life.
b. You could probably relate your passion more to how it can affect the lives of others for the better.
3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric-6
a. You do a great job of not only including pictures but also video.
b. I would add a few more pictures to get a few more points maybe. Pictures of favorite Disney characters? The Office? Lost?
4. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar Errors-4
a. You repeat "instead"n in "Instead of asking for flowers or unicorns or some kind of doll decoration, I instead requested Flotsam and Jetsam (the evil eels in Disney's The Little Mermaid)."
b. Change "was" to " were" in "My current relaxation methods of listening to music, writing, or even just thinking was usually connected to television in some way."
c. Capitalize the "L" in "Robert J. lee writes."
d. I'm not too sure on this one. Is it religion "on" or "in" in "religion on television?"
e. I think you capitalized the "T" in "to create the type of quality Television that will inspire."
5. Documentation-5
a. Page 134 of Faigley describes how to cite Internet sources, which you can use to cite your pictures.
b. I think that " Composition and Reading in World Literature" should be italicized. You can check page 129 of Faigley.
6. Punctuation-5
a. I love your use of the colon in "And so it began: my love affair with 'make believe'. " Just make sure to put the period inside of the quotation marks!
b. Maybe omit some commas in "And, of course, there was that one unfortunate incident in pre-Kindergarten that involved a fire drill."
c. I don't know if you need the semi-colon in "I would rush home from school to watch an episode before swim practice; wondering about what would happen to the main character, Amy, in previous seasons plagued me so much that I found a way to set up my own system." Perhaps you can just separate the sentences?
d. In "As insane as it sounds, it took watching a show like LOST to get me to live my life - and enjoy it," I think that the caesura disrupts the flow of this sentence without adding meaning to it.
7. Word Choice-3
a. Be careful of using words such as "that," "thing," and "it." Sometimes, while reading your paper, those words would throw me off.
b. Maybe change this from the passive. "When I was accused by my mom as being a spectator of life rather than a liver of it, I took a step back to analyze what my TV obsession really was" could start with " After my mom accused me of living vicariously through the characters of my favorite TV shows…"
c. A lot of your word choice can be repetitive and goes into how you can make your paper more concise below.
8. Conciseness-4
a. You can shorten "As I entered late middle school and early high school years, the imaginary games and visions faded away, replaced by nothing, it seemed."
b. "busy" or "eventful"n alone would suffice in "Life just got too busy, too eventful."< /span>
c. Same with "as the series progressed" and "eventually" in "Juvenile Judge from Connected who, as the series progressed, eventually became…"< /span>
d. Repetition of "two typical, ordinary…"
e. You could say, " Rather, something new happened" or get rid of "however" in " However, something new happened."
f. I think you can omit "I literally felt more comfortable around people than I was prior to watching the show" because you already talk about increased confidence before this.
g. The sentence, "I was more comfortable imagining myself living the lives of the characters on the TV screen than I was in living my own life, just like I was more comfortable floating around my backyard pool pretending to be Ariel the mermaid than I was jumping off the diving board with my friends as a little girl" was a little hard for me to read.
h. Other than that, I understood what you were trying to say. Your paragraphs had topic sentences and you rarely deviated from them!
Callie:
Spin:
“When I was accused by my mom as being a spectator of life rather than a liver of it, I took a step back to analyze what my TV obsession really was.”
I would say…”When my mom accused me of being a spectator of life rather than a liver of it, I took a step back to analyze my obsession with TV.” I think tweaking it just a hair makes it more clear!
1. Unity: 3
When you began to talk about television in the beginning, I was constantly questioning how you were going to use this love of television to benefit society. I would tighten up your transitions… Especially when you jumped from talking about your love of television to your introvertedness. You could make a very good point here if you connect a little better! You talked a lot about your love for television, but not enough on how this passion could be used to benefit others.
2. Organization: 4
The way you laid out your essay made it easy for me to get confused. Try setting up your paper at the beginning.. perhaps with a thesis.. so that the reader can know where you are going with your thoughts. Talk about how you shifted from a passion for the make-believe to a passion for television to a passion for self discovery through televesion… and then expound more on how you can use your personal self discovery to help others achieve the same thing through the outlet of television.
3. Verbal/Visual Rhetoric: 4
I really liked your Lost video!! But pictures help provide the reader with a visual guide throughout your essay. Add some more to give the reader better mental image
4. Proofreading: 4
"the program portrayed the life of a Juvenile Judge from Connected"… what is connected?
“Besides,” I told myself, “I was ….”… Add quotes here!
"Instead of asking for flowers or unicorns or some kind of doll decoration, I instead requested Flotsam and Jetsam”.. You have an extra instead!
“Robert J. lee” capitalize “lee”
"My current relaxation methods of listening to music, writing, or even just thinking was usually connected to television in some way." Your subject is plural, so you need to change “was” to “were”
“My strict adherance to the unofficial rules for tv watching I had laid out for myself prohibited becoming ultra-involved with this series, and for once I did not envision myself living in the mysterious world of the characters while I watched each episode.”
I would say.. “tv-watching”
5. Documentation: 5
Good CMS, but include in the pictures as well!
6. Punctuation: 5
I’m not sure if you need quotes around “make believe” or not”
Also, “I would rush home from school to watch an episode before swim practice; wondering about what would happen to the main character, Amy, in previous seasons plagued me so much that I found a way to set up my own system of burning DVD’s from the show’s syndicated re-runs airing every night at midnight.” I might change the semi-colon to a period. You use a lot of commas and list out your ideas… It is effective; however, it makes your sentences really long and verbose. Try breaking them up.
7. Word Choice: 4
I really liked your simple language and anecdotes! However, adding some more colorful words could add some sophistication to your essay.
8. Conciseness 5
You have a lot of details about your childhood. While I like the anecdotes, make sure they do not get excessive. It was easy for me to get lost in your descriptions of your childhood memories, and I was distracted from your overall point. Talk less about television and more about how you can use it to help others and benefit society!!! Also, maybe cut down your description of Lost a little bit and add more about how Lost can “transform lives for the benefit of society.”
