Reviews of My p1

Katherine:

" I find that facts and practical knowledge are difficult for me to grasp and limit my creativity, whereas dissecting the minute details of what something means or why something happens brings my imagination to life."

How I'd rewrite : Facts and practical knowledge are difficult for me to grasp and limit my creativity, but dissecting minute details, understanding what something means or why it happens, brings my imagination to life. (That's not really a big change. I had a hard time finding a sentence to fix!)

1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 6

· First of all, I really like your writing style, Spin! I think it's funny and really well done (and I identified a lot with what you said). It "flows" really well too.

· You might want to remember to include some transitions in between paragraphs. I think what you have works because you have the titles, but I think Bump wants it to transition well as if the titles weren't there.

2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 5

· I think sometimes that you have a "stream of consciousness" style which really helps me understand what you're thinking. Just be careful that you don't stray too far from the main point of your paragraphs.

3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5

· I think you could have a few more pictures, especially toward the end. You could also use pictures of things that remind you of your personality type, an object or something. Maybe there's a video you could include too.

4. Proofreading: 7

· I didn't notice any problems.

5. Documentation: 7

· Looks good! (But what's Ibid-that showed up a few times. Maybe I'm just clueless…)

6. Punctuation: 6

· I think your punctuation really dictates the way you want it to be read. I thought it was good. You might want to read it out loud to make sure that it is the way you want it to sound-although I honestly didn't have any problems with it!

7. Word Choice: 6

· Your word choice isn't very unordinary, but the way you kind of play with words makes it interesting.

8. Conciseness: 6

· I liked the part about your roommate, but I think you might be able to shorten that a bit.

Molly:

Spin- “Not so glamorous, but equally apparent in myself, is a habit of allowing my feelings to rule my decisions rather than reason”

I would write, “As a feeling type, I’ve noticed that I often left my feelings influence my decision more than reason” just to make it a little more coherent.

Unity: 4. I really hate to give you such a low grade in this category because your thoughts within paragraphs are really complete and coherent and flow really well. However, the use of the titles for different sections doesn’t replace (at least for me) a real transition of thought from section to section. Your writing really does flow amazingly well… If you just got rid of the section titles and added transitions between paragraphs, your Unity would be perfect.

Organization: 6. I think each paragraph fit really well in its place, and I liked that you began with being sort of ashamed of your type and ended by embracing it. I think once you make the transition changes your organization will be perfect too.

Visual/Verbal Integration: 4. You only had two pictures and no other media. You used a lot of personal anecdotes, and I think that some of the pictures that you used in your Road Map would tie in really well with those stories.

Proofreading: 6. I only found 3 mistakes.

“penchant of locking herself up in the bedroom after spending.” I think penchant is supposed to be followed by “for,” but I could be wrong about that.

“to what other’s true motives and feelings are.” Change to “others’ ”

“our dog, Tara, who’s hair” Change to “whose”

Documentation: 6. I think you just need to add the place of publication and publisher to your citations. Otherwise your paper is super well documented.

Punctuation: 5. You tend to rely on commas a lot to string together long sentences, so you end up lacking sentence variation. For instance “I do see myself as possessing this aspect of my psychological-self, mostly because I do consider myself to have a strong moral compass and to, often to my own detriment, fail to understand those who do not” could function much more powerfully in two, or even three sentences. Try breaking up some of your longer sentences to shake up the rhythm of your paper.

Word Choice: 6. I’ve noticed that you use the words “apparent,” “detriment,” and “penchant” a lot. Maybe substitute some different words to avoid repetition? On the whole, though, your paper feels very easy and conversational, and I think those qualities really work to its advantage. I think the reader really gets a good sense of who you are, and that’s really special to have in a project like this.

Conciseness: 7. All of your anecdotes and explanations work really well and fit perfectly in with your ideas. You cover a lot, but you make sure that everything you say has a point. Although your paper is probably the longest of everyone’s, you give so much information that I really feel like I understand you (or at least the parts you share) by the end of the paper.

Alice:

“Whether the Briggs-Meyer test itself was incorrect in labeling me as ‘Judging’ or my writing and reading skills are simply an anomaly (in which case other non-school related parts of my personality would fit in the ‘Judging category) I am not sure, but it is interesting and refreshing to discover that not all of my creative tendencies are such that can be outlined in a personality test!”

This sentence is not concise and has too much information it, making it hard to follow the point its trying to get across. I would rewrite as:

“Perhaps the Briggs-Meyer test itself was incorrect in labeling me as ‘Judging’, or my writing and reading skills are simply an anomaly, in which case other, non-school related, parts of my personality may still fit in the ‘Judging’ category. I’m not sure, but it is interesting and refreshing to discover that not all of my creative tendencies can be outlined in a personality test!”

UNITY: 5

Your introduction and conclusion tie together, but aside from that, your essay doesn’t read as a flowing, continuous analysis of your type. It is structured more as a response to a numbered set of questions, which is effective in making all of your points clear, but hinders the flow and unity of the piece. You should find some way to eliminate the titles between paragraphs, and make the transitions occur naturally in your writing, focusing more on your topic sentences. Replacing these titles and the introductory quotes at the beginning of each paragraph with transition sentences that relate to the preceding paragraphs would make this a much more unified piece.

ORAGANIZATION: 6

Though the subject of each paragraph is incredibly apparent, you give very few clues to how the essay is going to progress, in your introduction and from paragraph to paragraph. If you’re going to have such a structured break down of the INFJ pattern, you might want to mention that in the introduction, or just make sure that it is incredibly consistent. Your introduction about your mother is great, but it doesn’t connect to the type of analysis you do in the rest of the essay. Either eliminate it or carry it throughout the rest of the work.

VISUAL/VERBAL INTEGRATION: 4

You could use more pictures and other types of media. Pictures of you and your mom? Example of the music you listen to during your alone time?

PROOFREADING: 6

There are a few places where you seem to have omitted a word.

DOCUMENTATION: 7

Very good CMS documentation!

PUNCTUATION: 6

You could vary your sentence structure a bit, change up the length and cadence of some of your sentences, to help your essay read more smoothly and personably. Throw in a few short, sharp sentences to bring the reader back into full attention.

WORD CHOICE: 5

Your use of words is effective but there is not much of a personal touch in your writing. Perhaps this is because the subject is rather straight forward, but you could maybe use more imagery and lively descriptions.

CONCISENESS: 6

Your essay is concise and on point, there is little repetition. My only critique is that some of your sentences tend to run-on, making it hard to keep focused. Also it may be good to integrate each individual paragraph into the whole in some way, as I mentioned before, so that it does not feel like you are starting an entirely new essay for each point.

Chris:

"When I leave the room for hours at a time and then come back to her question of where I've been, how can I explain that I've just needed to be alone - not because I'm frustrated with her or anyone around me - but because my alone-time is what makes me…. me?"

In the eyes of my extroverted roommate, the tranquil alone time I need to embrace my personality is instead, an expression of some unfounded frustration.

Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 5

a. The details that you include in most of your recollections have obvious connections to a larger message that the reader can usually relate to your personality type.

b. You include transitions between multiple paragraphs like, when you connect your reception of Jane Eyre to your writing style when you note that, " The characteristics of an intuitive writing style continue this theme of having a big imagination as "[intuitive writers] tend to write best when given general directions from which they can create their own goals". However, some paragraphs seem to be completely new trains of though when compared to the paragraphs before them.

c. The main problem I had was with inner-paragraph flow. Perhaps it is the large amount of interrupting thoughts, usually placed in parenthesis or dashes, that interrupt an otherwise well connected idea.

d. Also, try connecting the four traits INFJ as you go. You did a great job of that at the end, but the unity would greatly improve if you did the same between sections.

2. Organization and Logical order of the Prose: 7

a. I could see how you set up the paper quite clearly. The introduction, each style, how these styles affect your learning process, and the conclusion follow an extremely logical succession.

3. Integration of Visual and Verbal Rhetoric: 5

a. I really liked your pictures, and understand how they contribute the their adjacent paragraphs.

b. I would have given you a higher score had you included multimedia.

4. Proofreading: 6

a. I found only 1 mistake, "who's hair" instead of "whose hair. I think you deserve a 7, but the rubric asks for perfect grammar and proofreading on the first draft, a feat which a find almost impossible.

5. Documentation: 7

a. The CMS documentation seems perfect to me.

6. Punctuation: 6

a. Your punctuation contributes well to your purpose, but I would add some simple sentence structures to balance out the large amount of complex, preposition filled sentences that are in your paper.

b These clarifying portions of your paper do a good of job of allowing the audience to understand your personal thoughts, but some simpler sentences would help the paper flow better.

7. Word Choice: 5

a. I like the reference to your "moral-compass," and your ability to describe intangible concepts with ease.

b. Less repetition and the inclusion of more vivid verbs would elevate this part of the evaluation.

c. It is difficult to use fresh vocabulary because nobody truly thinks in what would normally be considered bombastic language. I can tell a lot of your writing is more of a stream of thought. I would suggest going back and altering the writing after you have written out your thoughts.

8. Conciseness: 7

a. Due to your organization and your ability to draw clear conclusions from your anecdotes and thoughts relates to your ability to make the paper concise.

b. I could not find a section in your prose where you diverged on a different subject.

Callie:

“Once she concluded (to her relief) that there was nothing ‘wrong’ with her daughter’s strange schizophrenic-like penchant of locking herself up in the bedroom after spending hours playing with friends, she accepted my need to be alone as important to my development, and spoke so proudly and often of my introverted-ness (yes, I realize this is not a word but my personality type includes ‘thinking outside the box’- so there you go), but I never came to be proud of it myself”

I would say…. “With a sigh of relief, she concluded that there was nothing ‘wrong’ with her daughter’s strange schizophrenic-like penchant of locking herself up in the bedroom after spending hours playing with friends and accepted my need to be alone as important to my development. In fact, she spoke so proudly and often of my introverted-ness (yes, I realize this is not a word but my personality type includes ‘thinking outside the box’- so there you go), despite my inability to be proud of it myself

Unity: 5

Your paper flows beautifully and I did understand your transition from idea to idea. While your titles add structure to the paper, I would add a verbal transition in the opening sentence of each paragraph so that your reader understands how the previous idea pertains to the next one. Your paper made great sense and I never felt lost, which is an awesome thing… just sharpen it up with some more clear transitions.

Organization: 6

You did a good job analyzing the different aspects of your personality types. Just make sure to add clear transitions. Also, if you could add a little something at the beginning so that the reader can understand how you are setting up your paper, I think it would have a great effect. In other words, it was great how you talked about intuition and then learning and writing with intuition… but I think it would help if you let your reader know that you were going to do this first.

Visual/Verbal Integration: 4

I loved your witty language, and I think the simple prose contributed to the fact that your paper was very easy to follow. I feel like it painted a really great picture of your personality I enjoyed reading it, which is a good thing. But add some multimedia videos.. maybe some that are personal to you or can shed some more light on your introvertedness.

Proofreading: 6.

“And after years of putting up with my preference of spending time with an imaginary friend (her name was Jen and she was an orphaned pop-star who played basketball with me in my back yard….) over joining my family for bike rides, cookouts, and normal life, my mom – who is 100% extrovert – decided to read the book The Introvert Advantage.”

I would add an “and” before “over-joining”

“who’s hair” change “who’s” to “whose”

“She’s funny, kind, intelligent, someone I am lucky to be friends with.” I would add an “and after intelligent.

“Extroverts need people, talking, constant interaction in order to feel energized and introverts need, well, pretty much the opposite.”

I would add an “and” after “talking”

Documentation: 7

Great documentation. Looks good to me.

Punctuation: 5.

“The way I saw it, I was different-“ I would change the – to a period.

You split up a lot of you sentences with commas and dashes. Perhaps forming more sentences could add a touch more sophistication to your essay.

Word Choice: 5

Again, I love the simple prose of your paper. I think it has a great overall effect and makes it very interesting to read. But I think it would help add some splash if you could add some colorful and sophisticated adjectives.

Conciseness: 7.

You did a great job explaining all of the facets of your personality in a concise way. You presented a lot of different ideas. I didn’t feel like you repeated anything. You said everything and it was a drag to read.

Lauren:

Sentence: However, my penchant to feel too much is probably a good thing when it comes to my writing, something evidenced especially in the personal emotion I put into any first person narrative pieces.

( When I was reading this sentence I just sort of automatically paused so I decided to actually put in a comma)

unity, coherence, and flow: 6

I really love how your voice in this essay contributes to the flow. You had really skillful use of parantheses to convey your voice throughout the essay without disrupting the flow, which I know is difficult. There was just one place at the very beginning where I felt like a parantheses cause a break in an idea and i think if you just make if a footnote you can keep the voice without messing up your flow. It was where you talked about thinking outside the box. Put it in a footnote and that paragraph will be as beautiful as it deserves to be! Another thing you might want to try is more concrete examples of the more general characteristics you say about yourself. You know how to write in an interesting way and I think more of these anecdotes would add to your paper.

organization and logical order of prose: 7

Very logical and very organized my friend. Usually I'm a little bit skeptical about flow when people split their essays into sections but you did a really good job of keeping the essay organized and easy to understand without cutting too much into your flow of ideas.

integration of verbal and visual rhetoric: 6

I liked your pictures and the captions you put under them were perfect but I kind of wanted more! There was a lot of text and not a lot of breaks for my eyes. Maybe you could put in some pictures of you with your friends during the "people that I trust" part.

proofreading: 7

No mistakes that I could find!

documentation: 7

Good job using the Chicago method!

punctuation: 7

I thought you did a great job with those snappy parantheses! I think part of the reason your essay flowed so well was that you were really careful with punctuation and where commas were appropriate. Good job!

word choice: 6

Make sure you don't overuse the word apparently or apparent! I liked that it added a very humorous side to your poem (you may be as sarcastic as me!) but try to vary how you show your sarcasm. It wasn't a big deal I just noticed it a couple of times :)

conciseness: 6

There were a couple of places where you may have overexplained yourself and repeated some ideas (especially in the section on your roommate and the section on feeling). Most of the time you did a great job keeping your descrptions and explanations concise and to the point without detracting from the meaning.

Sharad:

Rewrite Suggestion: She is also, I'm going to go ahead and assume, an extrovert. Therein lies our possible problem - extroverts are confused by the habits and needs of introverts These sentences can be combined to better facilitate your message. "She's also an extrovert in my opinion, and that may cause problems as extroverts are confused by the habits and needs of introverts." 1 Unity, Coherence, and Flow 6 Your essay had good flow and was well unified, but I think you can improve on the flow. The essay transitions mostly through the use of the titles, but I think it's essential that you add some sort of transitions that unify your thoughts between two different topics. 2 Organization and Logical Order of the Prose 5 The essay is well organized; I can easily relate to your thought process, but as you move from one topic to the next, I don't see a logical order for your paragraphs. Maybe this is due to the lack of transitions between ideas, but I feel you need to organize the essay in a logical sense. This will also help to strengthen the unity of your essay. Currently, you jump from one topic to the next, and I have to reason for myself a connection between the two topics. 3 Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric 5 Just add multimedia for 7. 4 Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar errors 7 I found no apparent proofreading errors. =) 5 Documentation 7 Good documentation 6 Punctuation 7 Your essay was full of different styles of punctuation, and I can vividly hear your voice when I read this paper. 7 Word choice 6 Words carry a power, and your essay is powerful, but after the first two paragraphs, I felt like you were lecturing. The medium, I felt, began growing ineffective. Try using a few words that make someone say, 'What does that mean?' They keep the reader thinking on their feet. 8 Conciseness 5 I felt that the following sentence is too long: I have, however, learned to trust my intuition over the years and feel that it is a blessing in that I know for certain that my closest confidants and friends - of which I have very few (another apparent trait of most INFJ's) - are people I can always trust. Also try shortening the paragraph about your roommate, or maybe splitting it into two paragraphs.

Karisma:

Good demonstration of trying to achieve unity in your paper: "The ‘feeling’ portion of this personality type was not a surprise to me - an acute sense of empathy and sensitivity towards others’ feelings has long been a trait I am proud to possess."

1. Unity, Coherence and Flow (5)

-great flow! from addressing every letter of your personality type

-i enjoyed your narratives at the beginning of some of your paragraphs as a segway into your next point.

-i think that you could have incorporated more about the ideal of "hammering yourself into unity" instead of just cramming it all into the conclusion.

-try to be more personable to the reader, and draw upon more connections in your past.

2. Organization and Logical Order of Prose (7)

-nice job dividing your paper into "learning and writing," "assessment," and what you've learned so far.

-overall, i thought that this was one of the best essays in terms of logical flow, and i also think that has a lot to do with your paragraph subtitles.

3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric (3)

-you need more pictures and multimedia if you want full credit.

-consider adding an Alice in Wonderland picture of movie scene after your opening quote.

-try to add a song/video at the bottom of your essay with lyrics.

4. Proofreading (6)

-try not to confuse your dashes with double dashes in the "feeling" paragraph at the bottom. single dashes define something. double dashes create breaks, and add for a dramatic effect in your paper.

5. Documentation (7)

-nice job linking your citations in the paper to your footnotes on the bottom of the page.

6. Punctuation (6)

-try to be more creative when it comes to your writing! punctuation is a major factor when it comes to varying sentence structure, showing a shift in tone of thought.

-use semicolons, colons and periods.

7. Word Choice (5)

-try to vary sentence structure as well as adding more complex vocabulary.

8. Conciseness (5)

-I like how often you worked in your quotes to your paper when making important points.