my reviews of others' p1

My Reviews of Others’ P1:

Katherine:

"I clicked the play button under the course documents menu, and the audio began. And my quest began"

I would rewrite as "I clicked the play button under the course documents menu: the audio - and my quest - began."

I emerged in a quite different place, a forest I later realized was the one my cousins and I had visited in Maumee Bay, Ohio.

I would rewrite as: "I emerged in quite a different place - a forest. I later recognized it to be the one my cousins and I had visited in Maumee Bay, ohio.

Unity: 6

I enjoyed your paper very much, and I think a big reason for this was the unity and flow it had. I usually am more a fan of strict, chronological papers when it comes to this type of thing, but you made the whole "stream of consciousness" type organization work really well, I thought. (By the way, I know this was far from stream of consciousness-style writing, and I don't mean to imply that it's unorganized, but that was the only way I could think of to phrase your non-chronological writing). Really good.

Organization: 7. I thought your organization was pretty much flawless, I have to say. I was not confused at all (which is my biggest problem when I read papers - I get confused easily as to where the author is going/what they're trying to say) and really felt that I could follow not only what was going on, but your train of thought as well.

Visual/Verbal Integration: 5

I wish I could give you a 7, but unfortunately we have to give a 5 if there is no multimedia (I didn't have any either - couldn't figure out how to do it!). Your pictures were great, though, and went nicely with your paper.

Proofreading: 6.

I did not notice any problems with proofreading!

Documentation: 2

I enjoyed the additions your footnotes gave, but you did not use Chicago style citation. However, this should be easy for you to change seeing as how you included a formal bibliography.

Punctuation: 7

I did not see any punctuation problems - yay! I also thought that your strong use of varied punctuation (ie: commas, hyphens, italicization, etc.) really helped your essay in terms of the power of your sentences.

Word Choice: 7

I thought your word choice was excellent - your language was at different times succinct, flowery, fantasy-like, factual, etc. You did a great job 'painting a picture' of your journey and experiences with your words.

Conciseness: 7

Your essay seemed perfectly concise to me. The actual length was not too long and not too short, and I never felt like any of your points were redundant or tired. Very good.

Chris:

"Hopefully, I can unify both learning experiences by acknowledging the inner dependency, adaptability, and willpower that both my totem animal and I express, and by learning from the teaching abilities, cautious ferocity and leadership that is characteristic of wolves in nature."

I would rewrite as:

"Hopefully, I can unify both learning experiences through acknowledgement of the inner dependency, adaptability, and willpower that my totem animal and I express, while also learning from the teaching abilities, cautious ferocity, and leadership that is so characteristic of wolves in nature."

UNITY, COHERENCE, FLOW: 6

I was very impressed with the unity of your paper. I felt, as I was reading it, that your paper flooded my brain with facts about yourself and clear images to support it - all integrated together very smoothly so that I didn't feel like I was being forced to read all facts or hear about ONLY your feelings. Your balance of that is very good and really makes the paper fun to read.

ORGANIZATION: 7

I thought the organization was very clear and made the paper much easier to follow than if you'd tried to mix-up the chronology of your process or something. The fact that you started with your trials and tribulations of even finding the animal that was right for you, then moved into the wolf choosing you, then moved into all the similarities between you and wolves was perfect for the pace and content of the paper.

VISUAL/VERBAL INTEGRATION: 6

First of all, awesome video! The pictures you picked were perfect - they really captured the image of the wolf you mentioned, "grand and majestic, with sleek grey hair". The only thing I would have liked to see extra would have been incorporating the pictures directly into your paper (with words including it as a part of the actual written portion).

PROOFREADING: 7

I did not see any typos (believe me, I looked!). Awesome!

DOCUMENTATION: 7

Everything here looked good to me as well. You cited everything with the proper form.

PUNCTUATION: 6

I did not see many errors in your punctuation. The one thing I noticed is this sentence:

" The communal nature of Wolf's culture and hunting helps us to learn to cooperate to achieve a goal. Wolf people make good "team players" and are fiercely loyal to those they consider as part of their pack."< /span>

"Team players" should be written 'team players' because it is already within a quotation.

As I said earlier, I did not notice very many errors, but you do have a tendency to repeat this format of A, B, and C in terms of your use of adjectives or nouns and it can get a little redundant and tired if you don't check to make sure it's really necessary:

My own appreciation of family, hierarchy, and dependency

WORD CHOICE: 6

I enjoyed your word choice, especially words like "majestic" when describing the wolf and a-typical/personification-like word use in your descriptions (for example: "barren" for describing the terrain. I also enjoyed your personification of "nature" as a "she". I thought it added character to a piece that might have seemed a too proper or straightforward otherwise.

CONCISENESS: 7

I considered your paper to be very concise - meaning that I did not see anything repetitive or anything that needed to be taken out. Like I mentioned before, it flowed easily and I think removing some thoughts (or a whole paragraph) would be a mistake - as all are necessary to proving your point fully. Great job!

Molly:

1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 6

I definitely enjoyed the flow of your story, you have a distinct style to your writing and there's something very lyrical about your prose which I really enjoyed. The only thing I would mention is that I was sometimes confused by either what period of time you were describing (ex: your childhood experience or current search for totem animal?) and also noticed that your paragraphs - though extremely well written - sometimes got carried away from the point of what you were trying to say.

2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 7

I enjoyed how your journey progressed - I felt like I was right along with you as you went through the process of elimination to find your totem animal. The semi-chronological-ness (hah!) of the story worked really well, I thought.

3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 7

Awesome job of this! Not only did you incorporate your pictures into your actual writing, but you had a video/song.

4. Proofreading: 7

Seems like this was proofread well, because I did not find any problems.

5. Documentation: 7

I didn't see any problems with your documentation.

6. Punctuation: 7

All punctuation looked great!

7. Word Choice: 6

I enjoyed your word choice and especially your various pop culture reference - made it fun!

8. Conciseness: 5

As I said above, I felt that some of your paragraphs dragged on and took away from the story (for example, the paragraph where you discovered the bird could be shorter so that it packs a bigger punch - making that very important piece of your story that much better.

Other things I noticed: - I would rewrite this: I tried to immerse myself in the "Animal Quest" audio in the hopes that it would hand the answer to me, rather than me struggling to find the answer myself …to something like this: I tried to immerse myself in the "Animal Quest" audio with the hope that it would hand the answer to me, rather than struggling to find it myself"

Lauren:

1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 6

I thought this story flowed really well - I felt like I was running the race with you! I did, however, wish after read your piece that you had summed it up a bit more, maybe with a paragraph in the beginning or at the end explaining your opinion about your type or other examples about how you "fit" into it.

2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 5

I love your writing style - your personality really shines through in your words and you're also HILARIOUS! The only thing I would say is that sometimes the direction you were taking (especially when you jumped into the track meet setting without explaining what was happening or summing it up at the end) confused me.

3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5

Pictures were awesome! I would give you a 6 or 7 but it says to get that you have to have video/some kind of multimedia. I didn't have that either, so welcome to the club! :)

4. Proofreading: 7

Looked good!

5. Documentation: 6

Good, but I thought your pictures had to be included in your citations? Not sure about this though.

6. Punctuation: 7

I thought the punctuation was good - I really like your stream of consciousness-style of writing. It's awesome! Just one small nitpick: footnotes should be placed after periods, I believe.

7. Word Choice: 7

Awesome! I love your creativity in this area.

8. Conciseness: 6

Sometimes it felt like there was almost too much detail (I know that sounds crazy but it's only because certain parts seemed longer than they needed to be). Otherwise it was great.

Other things: " Still, I "respect the [track] chain of command" ¹⁵ like the ESFJ that I am and shiver my way over to my lane, my muscles creaking and every fiber of my being yelling at me to run for the nearest forest fire and throw myself in it"

I would rewrite as: "Still, I "respect the [track] chain of command" like the ESFJ that I am. So, I shiver my way over to my lane, muscles creaking and every fiber of my being yelling at me to run for the nearest forest fire and throw myself into it."

Alex:

1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 4

I thought your paper flowed alright, though there were definitely parts that I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me in terms of transitions (between paragraphs and between sentences themselves).

2. Organization and Logical Order of the Place: 5

I felt that you had a logical point of view in how you presented your points. I found myself confused at some points (especially when it came to sudden transitions within paragraphs) but I didn't see anything that stood out as being terribly out of order or anything.

3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 0

You are required to have at least 2 pictures and, to get more points, some kind of multimedia portion (the pictures could also be incorporated into the text for more points).

4. Proofreading: 6

"Throughout my life, I have a strong feeling that I have had two totem animals."

I think this should be changed to "I have had a strong feeling"

You also need to make cheetah into "cheetahs" when you talk about them in numbers.

5. Documentation: 4

You need Chicago style citations for your footnotes.

6. Punctuation: 7

All of your punctuation looked good. I enjoyed your use of semicolon and commas to drive your various points home - I thought you had a good use of punctuation throughout.

7. Word Choice: 5

I thought your word choice was mostly good, but there was a certain amount of repetition of words (unintentionally, I think, rather than a poetic choice) that became tiring (for example: there's a paragraph where you use the word "change" or "changed" a little too often). I would also like to have seen a bit more "flowery" language when it came to your descriptions

8. Conciseness: 5

There is a fair amount of repetition in your paper - in word choice and in what you talk about in your paragraphs (especially in your conclusion, which is a little too long and ends up being too much of a summary of what you just said rather than a snappy, catchy ending to finalize your most important points). I did think the paper was good length-wise, however.

Karisma:

1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 7

Awesome! Flowed very nicely.

2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 7

I thought this was very well done - I was never confused or unsure of what you were trying to say or the order in which you said it.

3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5

I would love to give you a 7 because your pictures are awesome, but I have to do a 5 because of the lack of multimedia :( (don't worry, I couldn't figure out how to put it in so I don't have any of that either)

4. Proofreading: 6

This was a bit awkwardly phrased, you probably just didn't see it:

The Wolf is characterized as being "mak[ing] friends easily and steadily, learn[ing] quickly, and car[ing] about others,"

Take out: "being"

5. Documentation: 2

I think you need a bibliography for your sources.

6. Punctuation: 7

All pretty good. I really like your use of commas and hyphens - you get your point across really powerfully.

7. Word Choice: 7

Really good word choice. I loved especially your "I am" paragraph. So powerful!

8. Conciseness: 7

No complaints in this category! Your piece flew by for me.

Other things: "I take a minute to think about my life thus far. The person that I was, the person that I am, and the person that I want to be"

I would rewrite: "I take a minute to think about my life: the person that I was, the person that I am, the person that I want to be"

(or you could use a hyphen instead of a colon)

Alice:

1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 7

It is obvious you are passionate about the hummingbird and how it relates to you as a person, spirit, etc. and it really shines through in your project! I thought it flowed quite nicely and was very impressed.

2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 5

I found myself confused at a couple of points during your writing - especially after paragraph switches. Most notably was the immediate jump from your first paragraph into your 2nd. I also felt that a couple of paragraphs were a bit repetitive - for instance, the ones where you mention your similarities to the hummingbird.

3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 7

I loved your images and the song! They all fit in perfectly with the writing portion of the project.

4. Proofreading: 7

Done well, I think!

5. Documentation: 5

You used footnotes which was good, but you cited the Course Anthology and did not use the proper Chicago style.

6. Punctuation: 6

Mostly the punctuation was good, but I think you should get rid of the comma before the "and" in this sentence, as there is no immediate subject following it:

- " I was too stubborn to accept this message, and so finding my connection to my totem animal, and ultimately to myself, took a longer route"

7. Word Choice: 6

I thought your word choice was excellent. Your powerful descriptions really drew me into your story.

8. Conciseness: 6

I know that you had a lot to say about how the bird relates to you, and that worked mostly really well except for some repetitive spots and and a penchant the piece had of going into almost too much explanation.

Other things I noticed:

This is a little nitpicky, but I noticed this sentence:

"But hummingbirds are not such common animals, and have not appeared to me so often"

... and thought you could get rid of the "so"

Sharad:

1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 5

This piece was really well done, but I didn't feel that each thought (or paragraphed) flowed into each other so well. Rather, I found them to be cutting short at certain moments.

2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 5

I thought this was pretty well ordered but I would have enjoyed some more explanation about "the others" and about why your animals left you.

3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5

Awesome pictures! Just no multimedia, so I'm forced to give you a 5.

4. Proofreading: 7

Looked good to me!

5. Documentation: 6

The only thing I would comment on is that you list the authors by their first name and then last name when I think it's supposed to be the other way around. For example:

Beck, Spindrift S.

instead of:

Spindrift S. Beck

6. Punctuation: 7

Punctuation looked great.

7. Word Choice: 7

I really enjoyed your word choice and thought your constant use of "the others" made it very whimsical and fun to read.

8. Conciseness: 6

You are a little bit repetitive in some parts, especially with your conclusion. Otherwise it seemed good to me.

Other things:

"A horse is a great companion that is why it's also said that horses bring about new journeys, and they help us, "discover [our] own freedom and power."[5]

I would rewrite this as: "The horse is such a good companion that it's said they bring about new journeys and help us, "discover [our] own freedom and power."

Callie:

1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow - 5

I felt that your piece flowed pretty nicely, but I was a little confused by your lack of paragraph breaks. I also felt that you did not spend enough time talking about the various ways in which your totem animals are similar to you. You did this with elephants, but less so with doves and dolphins and it would have made the piece more whole, I think, if you had included more of that.

2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose - 5

I felt that your transitions were not as strong as they could have been - probably this could be aided by more paragraph breaks. It was ordered logically, though, I felt, so that was good!

3. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric - 5

Awesome pictures! All you need is video or some kind of multimedia and you're good to go!

4. Proofreading: 5

Here are the mistakes I found:

"My imagination alludes me"

I believe the word you meant to use here is "eludes". Everything else looked good!

"Conscious that such an activity would never make the assignment list at the school I attended for fourteen years, I smirk begins to curl on my face"

Replace "I" with "a" (in front of smirk)

5. Documentation - 2

You did not cite your sources using the correct Chicago style. You also need footnotes instead of parenthesis within your paper. Just fix that and you'll jump way up in points.

6. Punctuation - 6

I only noticed this mistake:

"A symbol of beauty, grace, and freedom, the dove makes circles above my head"

I think using something other than a coma between "freedom" and "the" (such as a semicolon or a hyphen) would be better, I think.

7. Word Choice - 6

I thought your word choice was good. I enjoyed the colorful and powerful adjectives you used, and mostly really enjoyed reading your paper - the words complemented each other nicely, especially in your descriptions.

8. Conciseness - 4

You had a little bit of repetition in the first paragraph that seemed unnecessary - specifically your many mentions of the ultra-conservative Christian environment you come from. I think it's important to include thoughts about your environment and how those around you might not agree with you going on a spiritual quest like this one, but it would be more powerful if you take a few sentences out instead of repeating it in different forms (ie: your school, your parents, etc.)