Lauren:

Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 5

I thought you had pretty good flow and unity - especially in that you took us on a journey of how you found your passion and I especially liked how you tied everything together in the end with explaining that your real passion was making people happy - and then specifying that down to a possible career choice. The only thing I was unsure of was your coherence. It's not that I couldn't understand most of what you were saying (because I could!), because I really enjoy your style of writing. However, I did find myself confused at certain points (most of this has to do with conciseness and I will list specifics there).

Organization: 5.

I liked how you set guidelines for your paragraphs and titled them "a history of my plans for the future" "path to a decision" and "a decision" because I felt I could follow along nicely. I also enjoyed that it was written mostly chronologically in terms of your experiences. The only things I'd say to change would be the "farewell to arms" paragraph - only because it seemed a little out of place and confusing. Also, you talk about your anorexic friend, then discuss how horrible the disease is in a new paragraph, then return to more examples of friends with anorexia you've dealt with. I would possibly either get rid of the paragraph about the extra examples of friends or move it up to fit in right after the paragraph about your 7th grade friend, this way the paragraph of examples doesn't feel so redundant or make us feel like we're reading backwards.

Verbal/Visual Integration:6

I enjoyed your pictures very much - I thought the image of the girl's arm after getting an allergy test and the picture of the book your mom made you read were especially helpful to the story. Good use of video as well!

Proofreading: 4

"It;s laughable" - change to "It's"

" I thought anorexia was REPULSIVE, the way it around and making other people feel like the were fat, or ugly, or inferior, when really what was ugly was the disease itself." - Is "around" the word you meant to use here? Or are you missing a word before "around"?

" half hour lunch" - add a hyphen between half and hour (half-hour)

Documentation: 1

You forgot to use CMS documentation.

Punctuation: 5

I happen to really like your style of punctuation. A lot of people criticize me for writing the same way you do - comma and hyphen and colon heavy! - but I like our way of writing so I'm giving you a good grade on this! I guess the only thing I noticed specifically was that you should probably change this colon below to a hyphen:

" Become a doctor, found a company, save the world: you name it, and a mother (maybe even yours) has pictured her young one doing it."

change to: "save the world - you name it"

Word Choice: 5

I thought your word choice was varied and interesting. I especially liked when you called bulimia "the bulimia beast" which I thought was extremely powerful. I also liked your use of phrases like "inwardly cringe", "thump pitifully", etc.

Conciseness: 4

This is the main area I think you need to work on. I know your style of writing is very poetic and sometimes conciseness does not go hand-in-hand with that, but some parts of your paper were confusing, I felt, and could simply be taken out. For instance, your paragraph about your 8th grade and high school friends dealing with anorexia felt repetitive and unnecessary to the paper to me. Perhaps, if you don't want to get rid of that, you could shorten it and put it in the same paragraph as the paragraph where you talk about your 7th grade friend? Some of your verbiage is a little long-winded at points, too, which you might want to look at and see if you can take anything out that is unnecessary to the sentence or plot.

Alice:

Passions make themselves most apparent as comfort zones - what do I do when I don't know what to do in a situation?

I would rewrite: "Passions make themselves most apparent when you're out of your comfort zone, asking yourself, "what do I do when I don't know what to do in a situation?"

· Unity, Coherence and Flow: 6

I thought your paper flowed very nicely - there are really not any corrections I would make in terms of this. I didn't see any point where I was left confused or felt that it did not flow!!

· Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 5

I thought your paper was well-organized and I felt that I could follow it quite well. However, you came to the conclusion very early-on in the paper about how education is your passion and spent the rest of the paper citing examples of your leadership in that field, but then when you got to the end of the project your summary said that "education is internal" for you but it shows up externally often. That felt like both a contradiction to what you'd written before (in your use of "internal", when you've so obviously done a lot in that field publicly) and redundant in that you have given a lot of examples of how it's shown up externally. Maybe I'm being nitpicky, I guess I think that maybe the conclusion should be a little less "all-encompassing" and instead pack some punch, leave us with something powerful, rather than a summary.

· Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5

I enjoyed your pictures, especially the one of you with your role model. Just add some kind of video and your points will go up!

· Proofreading: 7

o All of your grammar and spelling etc. looked correct to me, great job!

· Documentation: 5

o Your documentation was done in the correct CMS form, but don't we need quotes from the Course Anthology (or am I wrong?)

· Punctuation: 5

Sometimes you do commas or colons where I think you should just start a new sentence.

· Word Choice: 5

I liked your word choice for the most part:

- It'6 s already reared its head - this was a little odd for me, made your passion seem like something evil, I would alter this word choice a bit

- " why nothing is something" - I really liked this because it reminded me so much of the Alice books!

- Conciseness: 5

I thought you were very concise, for the most part. As I said before, I would improve your conclusion a bit, for some of it is a little repetitive which is not really the way a good conclusion should be. Otherwise, thought it was awesome.

Emily:

I found myself listening to classical music selections while studying or perusing sheet music online and trying out pianos for fun at our local music store

I would rewrite as: "Soon, I found myself listening to classical music selections while I studied, perusing sheet music online, and trying out pianos for fun at our local music store."

1. Unity 6

I enjoyed your paper and felt that it did flow nicely - each paragraph did a good job of explaining the virtues of music and its affect on you and on society.

2. Organization 5

I thought your organization was very well done, especially in how you focused your earlier paragraphs on music's influence on you and then moved more into the broader sense of how it helps others. I thought that some of your paragraphs (for example, the one about music being used for practical reasons) were randomly inserted in the paper, however. If you could find a place for that paragraph to fit so it better makes sense logically , that would help.

3. Verbal/Visual Rhetoric 6

I loved your pictures and I really loved the video of Clair de Lune - I played it while I read the rest of your piece and I felt very much in the moment!

4. Proofreading 6

I did not see any proofreading errors, everything looked good!

5. Documentation 4

Your citations should be done in proper CMS footnote format.

6. Punctuation 5

I liked your punctuation for the most part but I felt that you needed some variation to your style, as the rhythm of your sentences began to feel redundant. Maybe try adding more hyphens or colons or exclamation points or something to liven up the paper. You're obviously very passionate about music, so let your punctuation show that!

As my skill improved I began to hear the beauty in other pieces as well

I would add a comma after "improved" 7. Word Choice 5

I thought your word choice was effective, for the most part. I enjoyed your clever use of words like "ominous" and "outlet" - your word choice had a rhythmical and musical sort of flow which is perfect for your piece. If I had to nitpick, I suppose I would say to try to vary your choice a little bit, and try repeating words less (I know it's hard, but the word "music" was in there a lot - i know that's super nitpicky, but are there synonyms you could use? perhaps saying "my passion" or something more often?)

8. Conciseness 5

I thought you did a great job with conciseness. Every paragraph served a purpose and I thought the whole thing was really well done. There were some examples of repetition in your words that I thought you could get rid of for conciseness, for example: leaving me with an exhilarated and excited feeling inside.

I would get rid of either "exhilarated" or "excited"

Sharad:

Golf, with its many lessons, benefits the player, and the greatest lesson that golf teaches a golfer is selflessness

I would rewrite: "With its many lessons, golf benefits the player. The greatest of these lessons is selflessness."

1. Unity 6

I thought you did a great job of uniting all the good aspects of golf and its influence on society into one paper. Though at first I wondered where you were going, I soon understood what you were doing with the paper and really felt that it flowed nicely.

2. Organization 5

I enjoyed your organization very much. However, I felt a little confused by the first paragraph where you talk about loving cricket and hating golf and tell that little anecdote. Though I understand you are trying to set up how your passion changed, I felt that the story was a little out of place, especially since you follow it with "i forgot about golf for almost half a decade". I would re-work this somehow.

3. Verbal/Visual Rhetoric 6

Your pictures were very good but I would probably add captions rather than footnotes, so that we can see immediately what you are trying to say with your pictures. I also enjoyed your video - it connected with what you were writing about very clearly.

4. Proofreading 5

Did you re-use the words "bland" and "boring" on purpose? I thought this might have been a proofreading error.

5. Documentation 7

Everything looked good to me, proper form and all!

6. Punctuation 5

I thought your use of punctuation was clear and effective, especially when it came to your sparing (but good) use of semicolons.

7. Word Choice 5

I liked your word choice, for the most part. Something about your language, however, made it feel a little bit like you were lecturing the reader on golf, rather than politely informing. Perhaps more of "I feel that" or using words to explain your emotions rather than describe many things as FACT would help this.

8. Conciseness 5

Your first paragraphs were, like I said earlier, a little out of place for me, especially since it didn't seem like watching golf that day instead of cricket affected you in any way other than reminding you that you didn't like golf. I think this could be summed up in a couple of sentences (i used to like cricket, hated golf, etc) rather than this story, to help with conciseness. Otherwise it looked great!

Molly:

Writing has become such an inseparable part of my identity that I have come to view the whole world as a form of prose, finding beauty wherever I look.

I would rewrite: "Because writing has become such an inseparable part of my identity, I have come to view the whole world as a form of prose, finding beauty wherever I look"

Unity,

Coherence and Flow 6

I thought your unity, coherence, and flow was excellent. I especially like how I felt drawn into the moment through your moments of specificity (ie: how you mentioned specific books you would read as a child like the Audobon bird books, or your example of being attached to the word "bludgeon"). I really enjoyed reading your paper

· Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 5

I liked how your paper was organized, especially because I felt that I got to experience you going through the trials and tribulations of exploring your passion (your mention of attempting to write a novel but then giving it up in favor of a social life was endearing and added another example of specificity to the story which I liked). At some places I became confused about what you were talking about - most notably when you spoke of clownfish because I had forgotten what they were representing in your story. Maybe make that a bit clearer.

· Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 6

o i liked your pictures a lot, especially the one of one of your journals - that was so cool to get to see an actual, real-life example of what you were talking about.

Also, I enjoyed your video at the end of Joan. It fit nicely (putting it at the end) since you put her quote at the very beginning (I like that kind of symmetry).

· Proofreading: 6

o "buzz of y thoughts" - I think you're trying to say "buzz of my thoughts" here!

· Documentation: 6

Your quote citation looked perfect - everything was in proper CMS form. However for your pictures, I believe you need to do proper CMS form for those as well, though I could be wrong.

· Punctuation : 5

Your use of punctuation is nicely done, though I think sometimes you have a certain formula when it comes to commas that becomes a little redundant. For example: Each new word that I learned had its own manila folder in my head, onto which I attached mental sticky notes of connotation and denotation, then placed in a greater filing cabinet of Latin roots and parts of speech.

I saw a lot of this same "rhythm", if you will, throughout your paper, and while it is certainly well-written, I think maybe you should change things up in some of your sentences.

· Word Choice: 5

I thought your word choice was very effective. Some of my favorite phrases and words you used were "bludgeon", "blandest", etc.

I also enjoyed this sentence: I had read voraciously as a child, devouring novels, mythology, and Audubon field guides alike.

your use of "alike" works great there

· Conciseness: 5

I thought you were mostly very concise and I especially enjoyed your conclusion and the sentence "revising papers won't save the world" - it was perfectly concise and explained that you understood the shortcomings of your passion and were addressing them accordingly. I thought maybe your childhood paragraphs became a bit repetitive, however, and perhaps you could do away with some of that.